Peculiar human behaviour has left me wondering to bits lately. Absurdity, hopelessness, foolishness, wonder-struck, curious and even manipulative – all together combine to design a human. Aren’t we all trying to be someone twice of what we’re not? Forget who we are for a minute. Oh come on, we all are good at it. And it’s absolutely fine. I believe it’s the shallow who enjoy describing themselves with fancy words. But see what’s funny is that we’re portraying stories of someone else in us way too much. Inspiration is good, but snatching shreds randomly makes a muck. 

We’re laughing at what should be mourned over. We’re talking about what should be kept under wraps. It’s creating illusions that put us on another realm where, even if we want, nothing would keep that soul inside us satisfied. These false inspirations, ah! 

Then a human meets misery and is shoved into a state; a confusing state. He’s thrashed, he’s forced and is assaulted by his fears. Coming from distorted and convoluted circumstances does that generally. But still look at us humans! See how we manage that crooked smile with a pale gaze from the corner of our eyes in spite of being ripped to shreds from the inside. Strange. More like creep to me. But then, as I said, he’s confused. 

One has had enough of struggles till now and ta-da ! there’s a lot more waiting in the future. Toodalooing your fate will display your cowardliness and deep down, you don’t want that. Backing off like this and biting the dust without doing anything constructive wasn’t something we’re destined for! 

Acknowledge it, dear reader. Each one has a soft-side. Do something out of that. The world needs it! Degrading others is gonna do no good. But then, y’all love doing what you wanna. Alas!

To sum up what I wrote, ‘perfection’ is not an appropriate term. At least in terms of human. No human describes perfection and zero perfection describes a human. We all are humans, and we’re designed to be flawed. Not to be confused for a curse. If it were, we all wouldn’t have been here. Solace is a struggle, knowledge has a price tag, smartphones glorify relationships, clothes define your character, skin colour tells a lot about you and last, nobody gives even an ounce of damn about your morals. I’ve made it easy. Let’s see how it is figured by you! 

– Nivedita Kholia.

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Dysfunctional thoughts
Destained mindset
Irrational feelings 
Yet a silence to acquaint
Tinctured with scars
Uncountable wounds
Tears shed blood
Yet a pale hand always held out

Insensitive would it be
Harsh it may sound
A female slave of misery
Yet each day she gave it all
Dark clouds did follow
Insanity caught held
Numb went her senses
Oh yet she carried on

Suddenly

While serving Misery
An eye met another
Perplexed in the beginning
Yet something right sensed
Her pale hand he took
And she followed Him far
Somewhere far away
And no remorse, no guilt was felt

An area lied there
Amidst the river
Tha flora and fauna
“Lethé” said Him
And helped her dive
She came out different
Without a clue of past 
His part was done

Now He had gone
And left forever
She stood astonished
Then proceeded towards East.
                                        (Nivedita Kholia)

04 APRIL 2017, 12:34 a.m.
They wandered freely; as if they ruled. Swayed such that it gave me goosebumps at times. The enthusiasm that they oozed certainly cannot be described. And I’d say it’s fine. Certain feelings don’t necessarily require words to be explained. A few minutes pass and I figure out my lips spread wide – without me noticing. I’m glad as long as the smile’s intact with those soft lips of mine. They’ve yearned for it all these years. My luck was never cooperative. Maybe I relied on it far too much. But those days, those beliefs have gone, blowing in the wind… The least I expected, the happier I was.
I’m tainted now. I’m not that pure soul God sent me. My body has bore scars, scratches, abrasions. Certain parts do not willingly function. It was probably a part of His plan. To experience the surroundings wasn’t just the plan. To acknowledge why we’re here and what purpose we bring along with us. That’s embedded in us. Which we ought to decipher.
A voice says it’s going to be alright. But when I look at myself into the mirror, I notice the opposite. The observation of the sixth sense is never wrong. I’ve been paralyzed so many times that now I just beg, just beg to relax. But life doesn’t allow any of us to simply settle down. Sad.
Again a feeling arrives that encourages me to go find my other half. But there’s no one to see. Even if someone approached, they weren’t one of those who’d reach my expectations. Who’d capture my soul before they touch my body, who’d grasp my mind even before they open their mouth. No! Fools, are they who take Love for granted. Another feeling arrives that soon fades, with a broken heart.
Why is it such? Are they meant to disturb my sanity? Or to play with my concentration? What do they think they’re even playing at? Fooling around just to shove me into an illusion that keeps me high to that false happiness (the unnoticed smile I mentioned) or even put me down in the dumps for no apparent reason. Perhaps it’s all in my head. Is this what I think? Or again is it them just fooling around?
Nivedita Kholia.

It’s all a myth. The times I was told the best possible way to shed the crippling load from my aching heart was to talk it all out in front of my best pal or whoever I’d trust. It never helps. In fact, the retrospection makes it worse. The memory stays fresh inside covered by a layer of your so-called sanity. Decades may pass, the world may come to an end, the very reasons may die, but the memory’s never rid away. It resides somewhere at the very back of your mind, pinching you like an obstinate five year old reminding you of its existence until it eventually drives you insane. It proves you wrong. The shadows will still haunt and you’ll never stop dreaming wild.
Nasty, is it?
*A crooked smile*
Nivedita Kholia.

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Why is this such?
An array that’s so absurd. Humans but no humanity? Why are we even here? Are we all just loitering to hurt each other, to bicker every second, to demean that will that was born with all of us? Why have things stopped making sense. Why is their silence, painful silent tears?
But still would it be fare to expect something better. Halo of serene that may bestow upon each Lucifer?
Nevermore.
Nevermore.
Nevermore.
– Nivedita Kholia

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Saturday, 18 March 2017 at 12:10 a.m.

Adventure is degrading by each passing day; the zeal is fading while the excitement and curiosity to experiment no longer sustains. It’s becoming funny, isn’t it- how we are loosing touch with Our Own life; with Ourselves? Wrapped by work by all four-sides. The political nine to six workplace display; your mood swings and unpredictable mood swings of your house (yes, yes, you can include your boss) and again that stupid wump waiting to challenge you while you’re out for your jog. What exactly does life want from you, right? In spite of being fed up, ironically we all carry on to earn bucks for our daily bread.
Now we’ve come to the point! “Bucks, eh!” Who doesn’t like ’em? What’s surprising more than this is how essential has it become – because the time we live in today, money can buy your satisfaction and your disappointment. Money can buy the smile and even the tear on your face. They even say it sustains a relationship. When did we do that? Uplifting the standards; improvising on lifestyles; acting persnickety or too busy flaunting sophistication, somewhere working on all of this, we’ve unfortunately suppressed that emotional touch that was in us. We all possess it. And we all destroy it (knowingly or unknowingly.)
Being human beings, we all are ought to keep our emotions intact. When did money had to interfere here? It’s no one else but us! We are very much responsible for this to happen. But we can’t blame ourselves entirely or even the others. We all are provoked. Pushed by life to be so. To sustain that position, we wrap ourselves into it – literally. Ages pass and we don’t realise, “When did things change around me; this wasn’t how it’s supposed to be; they sold the royal chair!” And several, several small questions like this, have no answers. And what was our fault? We just had no time. No time to look out from the window and glance that sky that wasn’t the usual. That boy who smiled at you. We’re missing it all.
But there’s nothing that can be done. There’s nothing that can be changed.
*Sighs*
Nivedita Kholia

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Monday, 6 March 2017 at 9:15 a.m.

Today the moon and I share a striking resemblance. She seems a bit more pale by silently admiring the flaws in this world, the curse one gives to another and the sorrows each shares with themselves. Today again She stood there. Telling me about those people who went home alone. Fed up of honesty. Sick and tired of being polite. Demeaning their esteem. And eventually sleep one more night depressed. And between all of this, why do I find Her sick? Do I notice my head feel twice its size, too? This implies the connection we share. Well, I won’t say it’s the world that’s just filled with flaws. I must admit, we have ours too. The Moon has Her spot while it’s me who has a scar. They say The Moon was cursed for She was full of her beauty. But what about my scar? The scar that, on the contrary, has a lot of memories from my days when I was a child. No! The scar, I’d like to call a punishment. Every time I gloat over myself in front of the mirror, it comes in front of my sight. Reminding me that this is what you get each time you do something for them. For the people out there. Precisely, for each ‘Cursed one’. They’d certainly take you for granted and leave you to die. And all of this, my dear friends, wasn’t false. To err is human. But now the time’s changed. ‘Deliberately’ has a prominent existence. We live just to trouble others. And this I say with absolute faith: without a doubt. 

But still She comes out, not spreading her light bright and loud, but with Her own grace. She’d come out silently within her territory to adorn the sky. To be admired by couples sitting by Paradise. To fulfill certain wishes or perhaps, promises. And sometimes just to be seen by those ambitious souls or by those wee ones with plain pure feelings. Perfection personified. The scars of Hers is no big deal. She’s being an inspiration.

And all this I see; and all this I feel- simply looking at her and blending in the atmosphere where everywhere is serene…

Nivedita Kholia

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